i dunno how or why.. but my messages from you are gone.
sigh.

iam thinking i should leave here for a while. i should.

everything here reminds me of you and its to hard to live here.

soon.

another song that caught me by MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS

Lyrics to Obsessions :

Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette.
Last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable in my bed
Silk sheet, blue dawn, Colgate, tongue warm
Won’t you quit your crying? I can’t sleep
One minute I’m a little sweetheart
And next minute you are an absolute creep

We’ve got obsessions
I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you
We’ve got obsessions
All you ever think about are sick ideas involving me, involving you

Supermarket, what packet of crackers to pick?
They’re all the same, one brand, one name, but really they’re not
Look, look, just choose something quick
People are staring, time to come quick in (?)
Cheeks are on fire; just choose something, something, something
Pressure overwhelming
Next minute I am turning out of the door, facing one week without food
A day, a day when things are pretty bad
Don’t let it make you feel sad, the crackers were probably bad luck anyway
Can’t let your cold heart be free
When you act like you’ve got an OCD

We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.

We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.
We’ve got obsessions
You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak
Makes you weak, makes you weak, make you weak, make you weak, make you weak
Make you…

Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette
Last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable again

i was looking at my twitter and i saw your messages.

it brings me to tears and i dont want that but i cant delete it.

who knew that would be the last time i saw you.

i dont know how long it would take for me to get over you but that is something i have to go through.

i cant help but look at the clouds everyday.

gosh here it goes again.

i cant type anymore.

its been two weeks since i stopped working...

i tried to do my best to forget everything.. but guess what.. after all those days out.. after all the drinking to calm me down... its still back to square one.

iam finally back home after not coming back for two days... and iam back to being me.

its been nothing but tears and being upset and feeling like a failure.

iam not ready to work.. my head is still in tumbles but i have to. no one is supporting me anymore... no one is here.

i cant help feeling i am going crazy.

i think if a pot were to fall on me while im under the block... it would be the best thing that would happen to me.

i wanna scream... i wanna cry till my eyes are all red. i want to be someone else.

i cant stand being me anymore.here i am eating to keep me occupied yet crying while eating.. hoping ill be full enough to fall asleep.

i cant break up my problems its just one big fuckign thing in my head.

black swan

watched black swan. i feel like it really affected me. i felt it when i was walking home.
i dont think god made me very strong on the inside. iam suddenly having thoughts of my family members dying. what ill feel like how i look when it happens.

black swan. her face. her eyes. i want to be that. i want to be able to let go of everything.

all i wanna do now is just cry.

I think that preconception, from even very educated liberal friends, that being gay is possibly more sex-based than emotionally based, is surprising and shocking in today's world. I'm someone who likes being part of a couple and always wanted that and always sought that, and it would probably be true for me whether I was gay or straight. Richard and I are bound together, and I think that's what that recognition is when you look someone in the eyes and you feel like you've known them forever. It is a kind of coming home.

-TOM FORD on his relationship with partner Richard Buckley

i miss u so badly.

...

i was watching csi and i suddenly had a thought of you.

the only way i can get over you is to forget... slowly hopefully but.. yeah

i miss you, your face your smell... i think i would go crazy if i could hold you right now.

i hope your doing ok.

hmm.. yeah.

makes me feel like i could almost touch your hand but i cant.

sigh.

thats all i can say today.

i dunno why i still keep checking it everyday.

maybe iam just hoping one day it will have something for me.. anything.

i still have the same dreams... going home at the end of the day to a cosy house to the one i love.

2010 is over.

ive finished work. iam free?

hmmm cant help but feel scared and lost now though. i feel cold inside.