i went to malaysia just to get some proper sleep.

and guess what?

its the first time in months that i dreamt of you.

when i wanted to, i didnt get, when i wasnt thinking abt it, i dreamt of you.

oh wells.

unforgettable, thats what your are.

i heard some bad news over the weekend.

but the last time i listened to him, it wasnt true and it cost me dearly.

iam just gonna listen to myself from now on and do what i think i should even though i know sometimes i am abit erratic.

ill wait...maybe one day.

i just remembered how the 7-11 auntie asked me where is the chinese fella who used to be always with me.

i didnt realise then how much you did for me. you stayed over even though i know sometimes u didnt like it. but u did because of me. i took most of it for granted. iam sorry.

if only its possible to go back then and tell you how much i appreciate what your doing for me.

iam always afraid, iam always scared. sick of it.

i cant even do the things i set myself to do. epic fail.

watch out.

im still day dreaming. iam still dreaming fullstop

when will it stop? will it ever?

i got tons of things to clear out and hopefully next month ill be better at budgeting.

i still cant find a place to stay yet.. NC been giving me tips but i have some fears abt living alone, strangers are totally out of the question. i know i keep repeating but yes my cousin needs his space.

ive been sleeping on the sofa every night staring out of the window for months now. i dont want to sleep inside even though its my bed his sleeping on knowing giving him space at night is the least i can do and i kinda found comfort sleeping in the living room alone in the dark.. like its my space? i know it sounds silly but yeah haha.

im going broke even before the month is ending, doctor bill ( i know she made it cheaper for me but its still expensive!) giving money to my grandmom, hp bill, transport, food, dinners/presents i have to go to or pay for even though i know i cant pay for right now..oh well.

which reminds me i hope his ok though... heard abt the minor op. i actually called my mom to ask her what could it possibly be. his so fragile.. as if enzymea wasnt bad enough.. poor boy.

oh man herman.. when are u gonna get over this. hoping and being stagnant wont do u good.

argh i know they say the person im in love with now is not the same person as when i knew long ago but the person still looks the same. its still that person. yeah. hmm ohk enough rambling for now on my off day.

these moments in my life is really taking a toll on me.

it seems to be stretching from one point to another.

what can i do to get out?

i am scared u know.

like they say in "never let me go", to "complete" would be a breather.

i hate nights like this. it makes u think of crazy things.

i miss u so much love.

i cant make you forgive me.

i regret the awful things ive done and said to you throughout the years and i guess at this point in my life, im paying the price with the daily burden of thoughts, emotions thats built up in me and the situations i have to face alone.

i regret the hurt ive caused to the ones that matter, like my mom and my sis as well.

ive been never good at expressing my feelings and im not good at coping with it either.

if its meant to be then ill be the happiest boy ever. but if not then hmmm... i dunno.

my future seems bleak.. i got no plans nor see a future with my life right now. the thought of totally giving up and letting go of this shell is quite clear but lucky or not its the fear thats holding me back.

im 23 now and iam already so tired. my mind is tired and i dont know why iam overworking myself for... for who? for what?

iam just a burden. i really dont get any happiness from anything anymore.

maybe one day when ive the courage to make that call, maybe it will be a step closer to a life ive dreamt of when i was younger.

but right now it dosent look promising.

whats holding me up is just hope.

i love my mom i love my sis and i still love you but yeah, everyones gone.

Just gonna stand there

And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down

Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire
And hear me cry
But that's alright

i dont know what to say right now. sigh.

i feel like ive lost the battle. it was my fault to begin with. i know i should stop but i still keep having this hope in me. do u think even the slightest possibility is worth trying for?

my head is thumping so bad. i dunno what is causing it. i know iam stressed but yeah.

my heart skipped a beat when i saw there was a new picture. sigh.