please.. keep writing..please

this i what happens when self realization kicks in.

iam alone.. i am really alone... nothing to call my own except my books and clothes either in boxes or in a borrowed cupboard. i dont have a house and i dont have job.

ive lost everything. everyone that really matters to me have left me.

i really feel like my shitty life never fails to add more disappointments to the list.

you got me through the earlier stages and i really hope i can get through the rest.

i guess i lied. i dont think i can stop loving you even after you said u dont love me anymore.

iam alone now though with nothing.

i guess its self inflicted.

i really feel like ending it... but would it be selfish?

i re read your emails from ages ago i found the song"quiet" by rachel yamagata.

and here i am getting more upset.

sigh.

i wish i can rewind my life but life sucked too when i was younger.

sigh. i guess it will suck more in the future.

bye.

its so hard to dissapear nowdays.

what i felt this afternoon and now is totally diff.

why cant things just leave me alone and not remind me of anything.

argh.

i feel sick to the stomach i swear.

iam grossed out.

i miss every little thing abt u... even the smell.

...

merry chirstmas.

i was smoking in the toilet and i was thinking... maybe ive lost myself... and ive definitely lost some frens and some ppl i loved.

iam gonna make a list for myself...

what i have to do and what i need to settle.

yes i should.

merry christmas to you.

...

the festive season is here. town is packed to the annoying level but trying to avoid it is pointless.

things moved quite fast these past few months and to think its only been 4 mths since i ORDed.

christmas is here once again but this year is different. no dinner no gift sharing with the usual ones. i really felt i should have stopped working and left the country and only come back in Jan when everyone else is depressed at the start of a new work year.

but i couldnt leave Yasee to fend herself with the workload.

she really touched me that day saying how me and natasha was the best thing that ever happened to her in butter.

well for me iam gonna take a break.. get out of design for a while.. i cant think anyways right now.

iam trying to build the pieces again but i cant deny that i still think of you know who everyday.

and thinking if its appropriate to get him a gift or maybe send him food once in a while.

i know his always complaining how hungry he is at home. silly boy.

oh wells anyways. iam just telling myself to take it a day at a time.

yup yup.

why issit that the times when i look into the night sky, its a full moon?

everything has a story behind it and its kinda eating away at me.

miserable but happy not to be apart.

december sucks.

let 2010 be over now.

not looking forward to christmas.

iam still wondering.
omg deja vu
anyways yeah iam still wondering what is it when i say "tell me truthfully" didnt u understand.
telling me u slept with 4 ppl would make me feel better?
anyways iam just wondering how many did u think... if your so smart did i "sleep/ cheat/ whatever" with. hmmm.

i just dunno why i cant tell u off for something like this.

now when i think abt it... its kinda silly.. u tell me 4 then after i tell u off badly i must admit.. u say your only bluffing and u swear it issit 4... even though i tell u to tell me truthfully.

hmmm...

the thing is u keep everything inside... and u dont tell me..

j told me today that the only way i changed is that iam more outspoken.

maybe thats why u dont like the things thats coming out from my mouth these days.

and ye like a tape recorder u keep reminding me how i wasnt there when your in army.

well wake up boy i was in army first and guess what... u werent there either.. or are u suffering from my "sickness" too?

well anyways maybe a new yr would be a good start.. what else can i do but hope?

your as stubborn as me.

night.

i still have hope to achieve the domestic daddy's dream.

...

iam still glad bobby talked to me.
i dont think i would have the guts to say i wanted to leave.

if i could i wanted yest to be my last day but i cant leave yasee high and dry.

so they persuaded me to stay till the end of the month. sigh. i really want to leave this place.

maybe when i come back ill go and stay in malaysia with my mom or maybe visit my sis since shes in italy already.

i really cant stay in singapore.

sometimes i wonder what if we went for a holiday and just never came back.

sleep tight.

.. hmmm lime green... i dunno why that just popped into my head.

so yest i couldnt leave the house and i took an mc.

today i went to work and i really couldnt take it anymore.

i think my boss reads my mind.. he told me my work have been dropping i told him i couldnt do it anymore. this month will be the last month ill be working at butter. i cant focus anymore.

ill miss some of my work mates but i really cant.

iam more upset abt you than having to quit my job.

i feel like taking a break. maybe go somewhere just to clear my head.

i cant figure out how this got this way... how u can fully blame me.

am i not allowed to get angry? i get angry cause iam not happy with what youve done.

how can u compare 4 to 1?

it takes 2 hands to clap to destroy or strengthen a relationship.

i broke down after work when i got the last sms yet i respected your wishes not to reply.

iam trying to do the same.. trying not to love u anymore. maybe it takes time for me.

sigh another yr has gone.. maybe this yr ill try and move on.

hi.

here i am at work. still thinking abt the whole mess.

i wonder if your already ok with it.

iam thinking who are the rest of the list.

i am kinda scared now.

yup iam scared.

...

does blocking someone really helps? i dont know.
but i dont care. i got no intention of doing the same.

its funny cause i know how curious u are sometimes and who knows maybe from time to time youll still check on me for the sake of it.

i know we cant be tgt and we arent exactly getting along.. but i will beat the shit of anyone else who abuses u.

like you said... i still thought youll be my life. everything would have worked out if the rest of the world died and it was just us.

but would haves and should haves are just things that could.. should but didnt happen.

iam just gonna take this a day at a time.

iam still torned up but what can i do?

anyways i saw an exhibition today at the esplanade at jendela.

her artwork really affected me.

its abt her relationship yet she makes u feel you are part of it.

i cant help but say i really wanted you as a partner.. my 16 yr old dream.

but i guess i cant have that. your to complex for me and i in your words just to delusional for you.

sigh. i cant take this.

" enough is enough"?

...

iam selfish.

i dont want to share with anyone else or have anyone have you.

i dont get it.

when u say something there is a repercussion.

dont expect to get something good when u say something bad.

how was i suppose to react? dosnet make sense if i am fine with it issint it.

i dunno what u want.. u go round in circles and when everything is settled u tell me all the what ifs and what u wanted to actually say. whats the point.

...

i literally waited like a fool.

...

a dreamers diary.

thats exactly what i am.. a dreamer. to much of a dreamer to think that someone will actually love me as much as i love them.

i waited and believed even when we werent tgt. i believed that we will be living tgt one day even when we werent actually tgt.

i waited and waited and tried and tried.

and what were you doing? everything else.

dont tell me you were griefing cause obviously what u were thinking and doing are not the same.

its not worth it. now i just have to tell mself yournot worth it. real life is even worse than the dream. i cant take this.