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seems like everyone have other things on their mind... me included.
it is true how to can observe someone for hours and u dont care... even the simplest things... everyday things that u wont think twice abt but the way the other party does it.. it seems so.. hmm.. special?
even.. yes.. even holding the spoon while stirring..
the way u walk... how u smile in the mirror when your getting ready.
maybe u want to see how others would see u when u do actually smile.
its like the small outside things dont matter.. maybe thats why i cant give good comments when u ask me how u look.. i still find your the same person.
but there are somethings that are diff.. i really do miss the 'normal' of the beginning.
some things arent really said anymore but i take comfort that its still there.

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sometimes i wonder if youll be there when i need u most..
will u share stories and secrets with me without worrying
becoming so warm and gentle yet
totally different to others
these days i say stuff thats in my head..
i think and worry abt stuff yet i find comfort in only one
the need is so great now.. wonder if the feelings the same

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i just want to sleep and never wake up.. argghhh...
sometimes hoping issint a good thing.. it dissapoints u in the end
sometimes u want somebody to make u feel better but u cant blame them if they have their own stuff to do or dont know what to do for u.
even so.. it would still be nice if it were to happen.
nvm.. iam just talkign rubbish

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guilty guilty guilty...yup
goign to go for a walk with nano later to clear my head... yup
hmmm smoke is making me irritated.
dont even start with school work with me concious..iam not going to think abt it.
ready to face monday... whats the worst that can happen.. fail this batch of projects? oh wells.

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i got school work.. and i havent touch them.. wow.. how fanasstic!
iam going to die.. yup.
cant even focus on my school work.. cant really say whats on my mind though.
iam so tempted to just verbally vomit here.. seriously.
if only i was that evil.
if only u were liek the way u were.
if only u spend the same amount of time with your frens as u do with me.
u used to though.
oh wells! liek whatever yeah. :)
i got a right mind.. tempted to do the same.. but if i did everything would just be wasted.
by the way i got what ive been searching for!.. finally. (its square and has more squares on it and it moves.. hint ..hint)

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my mistake.. i guess hopes of being alone at least is not going to happen though my mom is at the hospital and my sis is out late.
i just.. want to talk...haiz..
iam stuck.. feel liek running off somewhere this night.
haiz.. so quiet...
today being a bad day dosent help either.
hurry hurry talk to me. :(
arrgghhh... sometimes i wish things were what they used to be.

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my mistake.. i guess hopes of being along at least is not going to happen though my mom is at the hospital and my sis is out late.
i just.. want to talk...haiz..
iam stuck.. feel liek running off somewhere this night.
haiz.. so quiet...
today being a bad day dosent help either.
hurry hurry talk to me. :(
arrgghhh... sometimes i wish things were what they used to be.

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such a long and tiring day today.. my legs are aching and i think iam sick. got caught in the rain here and there.
but its ok... iam worried about school work.. cant seem to bring myself to think straight. iam thinking and wanting something else at the moment. :p
gosh i really feel tired... but i find sleeping now is a waste of my time.. so i dont think ill go to bed that early..
missing the feeling.

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didnt sleep but i guess its ok... get to spend time on something else.
iam happy i finally put pics in my ipod now i can see the people i want to see whenever i want. how sweet.
need to think where to go! i hate this.

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i think sleeping does really help me to calm down.
when i woke up i feel bad abt the stuff i did b4 i slept.
i shouldnt take it out on people that arent at fault.. eventhough they can be abit stubborn to listen to u.
i found a video that was taken accidently on my phone today.. watched it at random moments throughout the day. gave me sudden flush of happiness. i was watching it then my grandmoms maid asked me what iam smiling about.
i can be unhappy about some stuff but i guess its better to concentrate on the things that make u happy even more..eventhough it can be hard at times.
bunny is beginning to hop... u hop with me.

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what should i do now? worried scared..?
dont let me wander around... i hate it..sometimes i dont have a choice though.
ill see

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how stoopid can someone be.. maybe its not fully at fault but pls....arghh..
maybe iam jealous? i dont know.. kinda angry though... dig your own grave then.
i am worried not just abt tomorrow but also as a whole... know what u have to do.. arrrgghhh.. feel liek shouting! F*** it lah seriously... whatever.

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not really at my joyous moment.
my chest hurts... maybe my heart palpitation is back.
iam getting a fever, maybe more too.
so many things to think abt.. i dont want to.
all i want to do now is just sleep and forget...
theres no one.. even if there is.. i dont feel it.
sick.. sick.. sick of this shit.

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maybe iam just stressing to much...
iam just feeling so shit now.. damn. arrghh..
if only i could..
go to sleep herman.. even though u arent looking forward to dawn.

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firstly being at hoem the whole day issint helping.. iam sick with a splitting headache too. then my mom is irritating me... u want it working.. u call someone over.. i give up. then the phone rang.. surprise surprise. why cant things just so smoothly for once. fuck... nothing.. i mean nothing is workign for me. i dont even feel liek talkign now. i just need that someone right now. just to accompany me and give me comfort.. we dont even have to speak. everything sucks...argh.. if only i could just live abroad or soemthing.. just run.
its so depressing.
shut up.
no more bullshit.

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my head is feeling less cramed.. besides the headache.. everything is almost ok.
hmmm i think iam feeling much better.. yes yes.. kinda know what iam supposed to do and what iam looking forward to. i guess i was right with my decision.
alot of work .. i have to do it. gosh. well
at least iam feelign much better. ohh yess.. that day when iw as goign to school slightly later than normal but i guess it was still early cause there wasnt alot of people yet at orchard.. was walking to wards wisma from the mrt when my head just went blank before i knew it i fell on my ass knees first though.. luckily i was near the wall.. kinda slighty slide down.. i think i kinda blanked out for a a few mins.. but i was ok... thanks to the security guard :)
gosh what a day to start the day.. hmm dodnt know why it happened.. maybe iam lacking in something. oh wells... everythings fine.
herman.

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iam still up.
should i go to bed already?... keep feeling if i sleep, ill miss soemthing
hmmm... tonights weird.
and yes shayne ward is still playing.
hmmm...
i think ill watch the video and put my head down on my table and rest..
let that sing me to sleep.
kinda getting comfort from it... oh wells yeah.

herman.

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need to blog again.. hmm..
herman you need to calm down.. eating the dark chocolate didnt help.. kinda made the heart palpitations worst... u know what would happen next.
herman your talking to me again.. its been ages since u talked. the last time u did was in sec 3? 4? to bad u only talk when your stressed. at least it makes u calm down.. makes u feel like your actually with someone dosent it.
remember how u used to watch lord of the rings and the "goloum"? or whatever made u think of yourself? ha
breathe.. things will fall into place..
u still cant get the shayne ward's no promise song out of your head eh.
you memorised the lyrics too.. usually u dont.. i wonder why u did this time.. hmm.
u need to continue with your bunnies.. they calm u down..
herman: hmm yeah...

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i need to blog.. i need to let things out..
used to be so open to each other.. now it seems i cant even say soem things without getting an angry response. i should be mad too. but its still the same person i used to know deep down inside. i cant be mad at that.
its hard yes i know.. it seems impossible or the future does not seem bright but its only cause somethign as though as this test as never happened . i still have hope thats how true i am.. but i cant force it.
i have been waiting and waiting.. i cant let go.. i guess giving up when its tough is not on my mind now.
some things have been cleared..
hmm yeah..
herman

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listening to shayne ward- no promises.

thats my new "i so love" song for the moment.
yesterday we had to write soemthing about sleeping.. it could either be a song, a poem or a story. mine was short.

there was a man who slept everyday
he slept though his b'days and every other day
one day he couldnt get to sleep
he tried singing, drinking and counting sheep
he then got frustrated and finally screamed.

tahdah!

simple huh.. the rest of my class was liek filling up pages.. gosh.
well i managed t o catch 'the devil wears prada' even after what happened. luckily Adam was liek me and had no where to go either. a really glam movie.. loved it..

but i got kinda caught up in my head after that movie.. i just had to walk.. so i walked from sommerset all the way to cityhall. i didnt even realise it. before i knew it i was waiting for the train. made myself sleep and before i knew it i was at yishun. went home just laid down and sleep. i dont want to stay awake anymore.. i think to much.. iam getting to worked up .. my mind and body is becoming so tired.
i stayed over in school on wed. planned everything with hazel. iam starting to think i really needed that night... really loosen me up. met a few new people.. Fye, Razali and Gim. he is so funny.. such a good laugh.. he even gave each of us a palm reading.. his so damn right about mine.
a new batch of assignments are already on the way. need to focus.
even as iam typign this iam feeling so tensed. nervous .. worried.. scared.. lost... kinda trying to keep blank and stay optimistic.. well maybe just trying to be the normal me again.

inner me: stay focus... pls? just blank out... u were lost for so long before but that kept u sane. so be that way if u need to.
herman: yeah.. maybe i have to. iam starting to feel like iam dissapearing again.

herman.